Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:
#1 Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
#2 Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
#3 The Constitution is NOT a living document.--- Bill of rights? Amendments? What DAT?
(repub voters skip #3, you dont have the education to understand what is meant)
(I can see the head scratching already)
#4 The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.
#5 A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
#6 Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals.
#7 The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
$8 If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
#9 A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
#10 Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
#11 HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
#12Global warming is junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
#13 A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense.
#14 A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
#15 Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
#16 The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
#17 Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need our prayers for your recovery.
#18 You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
#19 What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
#20 Republican debt is better for the country than Democratic Surplus.